The BIG Picture

'THE BIG PICTURE' . 40" x 52" . Acrylic on Canvas

This painting is quite literally the story of my life. For the pictorial and more brutal version, check out my bio (http://louierochon.blogspot.com).

'The Big Picture' started out, like all other paintings in the earlier days, with the sky. I allowed the skies to come in fast and only for a maximum of 10 - 15 minutes. That was my rule as it would tell me where I was going - the mood of the painting. Some painters decide where they are going, what they are going to paint. I allow what is inside me to guide the painting along and the sky always reveals the emotions.

I could tell, when this violent sky set in, that I was in for a hell of a ride. I had no clue what was in store for me from that point on but I allowed the painting to show me the way. Often it is months or even years before I understand a painting's meaning. In this case, I understood clearly before the painting was finished, completed within three weeks.

The violent, dark sky was a life of un-diagnosed mental illness (Bipolar Disorder, severe depression and OCD) all of which I spent a lifetime self-medicating in one form or another).

In my youth, alcohol and drug addiction gave way in early adult years to extreme workaholism which worked out well in my early 30's. I spent 8 years in Alaska, benefiting from the 80's real estate boom as a broker, chasing lots of money and consuming copious quantities of alcohol and cocaine, all trying to find some sanity, peace and quiet from the beast inside. An insane attempt.

I moved to Seattle (thus the Seattle skyline). It is squeezed and tight, and there are thousands of small swirling lines within larger odd shaped swirls coming down from the clouds moving into and around the city, squeezing ever tighter.

At this time I was in my mid 30's. I had managed to hold on to my career, but the real estate market had vanished in Alaska. I moved to Seattle, started over from scratch, filed bankruptcy, was drinking heavily night and day, had a new born son and a family of five all depending on me. I had no income and a pile of debt.

I was utterly lost in a haze of alcohol, trying to deal with the insanity I didn't realize I was suffering from. It would take many more years before I would be properly diagnosed. I would do a lot of damage in the interim.

It didn't take long for my wife to offer me an ultimatum, "Me and the kids or the bottle." No contest, as sick as I was. She left. The drinking got even worse and the circles got tighter around me - the insanity grew worse until one dark night I found myself with only two options; to take my life or admit myself into treatment center for alcoholism. Obviously I decided to try the latter.

This was 32 years ago that I got clean and sober, yet I didn't get properly diagnosed and treated for my mental illness until I was around 40, which is when my life started to settle down, when I left the insane life of real estate in Seattle as you can clearly see in the painting. In 1995 I moved to Whidbey Island, a picturesque peaceful place not far from Seattle, and have never looked back.

These days I know what to do to take care of myself. Mental illness is no different than alcoholism, except perhaps it still carries a bit more stigma of shame attached to it. What a shame, as this keeps a whole lot of folks in the shadows that need help and often those that die needlessly.

If I had a disease like diabetes, there is not much shame attached to that; there are things I could do to control it and have a pretty good life. If I didn't take care of myself, I would suffer. There isn't much difference in my alcoholism or mental illness. They take work but the alternative is for me to return to the top of that painting. This is why I don't intend to sell this painting. I need it to remind me of the hell my life was; to remind me it doesn't ever have to be that way again if I take care of myself.

Part of my self care is to be transparent and share my life with others. That is also what artists do - they share their lives, honestly. So here I am and I present to you, me, on canvas ... 'The Big Picture.'

Go full screen and take a peek way down in the lower left of the painting. You will see me in a little row boat, rowing away from all the BS of my stressed out life. That is when I moved to Whidbey Island!

We all have a painting. Ever wonder what your 'Big Picture' would look like?