Muddying the waters, or scratching the surface?

Nicole's Story Behind The Painting:

One night, I was feeling really frustrated and confused. I went into my art space in my apartment (a closet that I transformed into a mini-studio space) and started layering paint over and over on a wood panel. I scratched into the paint before it could fully dry. Then I'd smudge with a sponge or my paintbrush. Then I'd scratch into the painting again. And I kept repeating these stages, not in a rigid way or a particular order, but rather in a way that just felt right.

My whole body and self became immersed in this process. The painting became a reflection of my headspace, like searching for a street sign on a foggy day from a misty car window. Like I said, I felt confused that night, like I wasn't sure of something but could hardly tell what my question even was. I wasn't sure of what I was really feeling in any precise way. So I shifted between muddying the waters and scratching the surface, searching for some clarity on what I was really feeling. Not that confusion isn't a real feeling - of course, it is - but it's also usually the result of other maybe contradictory feelings mixing together in our heads.

The next day, I woke up and looked at the painting I had made the night before. And then, the painting made sense to me in a way it hadn't in the middle of the night, right after I finished it. This painting isn't about clarity, doesn't come from a place of knowing. However, confusion and the frustration of wanting to know so bad that you only feel more confused - these feelings are worthy of expressing too. And it's a good thing to be reminded that it's okay to feel disoriented and confused by trying to sort things out, by the searching process. Allowing myself to feel "off" so I can be open to a deeper understanding is also a good thing. Clarity often follows confusion anyway, or at least that's how it seems? :)