Statement

I am Erin Bowling, an emerging oil and acrylic painter from California who practices art as therapy and a way to process the grief of losing my son, Conor, to suicide in 2024.

Conor was my first born and light of my life. He was a healthy, happy, vibrant little boy until the age of 13, when he became debilitated by anxiety and depression. What we initially perceived as a temporary hiccup of adolescence turned into a seven-year-long battle to save our son.

We concealed Conor’s struggles because of the stigma associated with those suffering from mental illness. Too often, western culture blames, doubts, and even ostracizes individuals who suffer from mental illness. We didn’t want Conor to risk rejection and criticism on top of what he was already grappling with.

So, with Conor, we navigated privately as a family through the labyrinth of doctors, hospitals, medications, therapists, and more. We tried to save our son, but Conor’s mental health just got worse. Finally, he could not fight anymore, and on September 12, 2024, at the age of 20, Conor jumped from a second story building to end his life. He survived for 26 days in our local ICU until we took him off life support and let him go. Conor passed away peacefully surrounded by his family on October 8, 2024.

The person I was the night Conor died left with him. In the days and months following his death, I found myself leveled by shock, grief and anguish. I knew, however, that I had to pick myself up. I had to find a way to cope with my nightmare so that my family could find its way back to a life of hope and joy – so that we all could learn to thrive as survivors.

I was advised by a grief counselor to do something with my hands, so I bought a starter painting kit and began painting in my garage. After a few months of meditatively painting alone, sorting my jumbled thoughts, and replaying Conor’s life from start to finish, I began to find my way back. By finding painting as therapy, I discovered a hidden talent and lifeline that has helped me learn to live with grief and move forward as a suicide survivor and grieving mother.

Many of my paintings speak directly to grief and mental health struggles. Through them, I aim to induce a paradigm shift away from rejection, and towards empathy and kindness for people like Conor. Additionally, I connect with my community at art shows, speak about grief and mental health online through my social media and donate time and support to suicide awareness, intervention, mental health services for youth and aftercare for survivors of suicide.

My primary medium is oil on stretched canvas although I have been experimenting with acrylic paints lately. My husband has learned to frame my artwork beautifully, and each painting bears a small plaque in memory of Conor’s life. Many of my paintings can be seen in local art centers in my community of San Luis Obispo, California. And, although some of my paintings are serious, many of my colorful, whimsical ones fill the walls of the Center for Child and Adolescent Mental Health, (CCAMH), for the kids who receive services there to enjoy.