This painting symbolizes my locked up, deep emotional torment and the
fears which arose from the emotional and physical abuse during my childhood
and adolescence. I hated the abuse which I encountered and perpetually tried
to escape. I endured the abuse of my father and family, and I loved them even
though I was wounded, confused, and appalled by their behavior. This painting
represents my fears of being eternally bullied, punished, abused, tormented,
and persecuted.
The crucified tuna fish is roasting in an emotional hell, nailed to the cross,
and has a nail painfully impaled through the eye. The helpless limp tuna fish
is sad, suffering, and numb; restrained and in shock; yet is stoically surviving
and enduring the pain. The tuna’s world is literally turned upside down. The
nail through the eye represents the suffering and pain I endured due to my
father’s blindness and abuse.
The tuna symbolizes me. Tuna fish was my favorite food when I was a child.
I loved to eat tuna fish sandwiches so much that my mom Judy used to kid me
that she was going to change my middle name and call me Curtis “Tuna Fish”
Dickman.
It is paradoxical that I am nailed to a cross in the painting because I am
Jewish. The painting symbolizes my prior religious ambivalence and my
rejection of Judaism as a teenager. As a teen, I saw documentary movies of
the Holocaust which depicted the horrendous torture and murder of Jews in
European concentration camps. I was aghast and profoundly frightened by
the vivid movie images of starving Jews, mountains of Jewish corpses, mass
graves, gas chambers and crematoriums. I was hypersensitive to these images
because of my childhood abuse and my preexisting strong fears of persecution,
torture, and suffering. As I watched the movie, I felt overwhelmed with fear
and thought “If this is what the world does to Jews, then I don’t want to be a Jew
any longer”. I subsequently tried to suppress my Jewish identity and abandoned
going to synagogue. As I grew older, I still enjoyed celebrating Jewish holidays
with my parents, siblings, wife, and children, and retained an affinity for my
cultural heritage. After beginning psychotherapy and confronting my issues
later in life, I returned to synagogue with my children, and fully shared my
Jewish culture and religion with my children and family.
The nail through the eye also symbolizes the pain my father’s blindness
caused him, me, and my family.
- Subject Matter: FISH SURREALISM
- Collections: COLLAGES, PAINTINGS, Z ART OF EMOTIONAL VULNERABILITY & HEALING