Learning to Fly
- Mixed Media Collage
-
60 x 50 x 4 in
(152.4 x 127.0 x 10.16 cm)
- Stevie Phelabaum
A glorious sunset. What a thing to stare at. Yet my eyes are blurred by tears. Heartbreak. Again. But this time with déjà vu. I don’t want to tell her how badly it hurts. Not her. I don’t want her to feel this pain, no. She is such a sweet soul.
It’s a little too claustrophobic-sitting here in my car accompanied by this view. It is so beautiful. Could you see that when you stayed here? Did the beauty give you hope to stay…at least for a little while longer? Did you see it the fall day I was born here 22 years ago?
Now that you are gone, I walk these halls past where they took you-the ugly, cold, heavy text that says ‘MORTUARY’ on the wooden door. I carry a box filled with a virus that would have killed you. A virus we spent months terrified of together. And now I willingly risk my life to transport and process it. But I remind myself that the virus didn’t kill you…you decided to leave. And now I work with the people who ran your tox screens…they know more than I do at this point. I’ve become the girl who works here because her dad killed himself.
And as I sit there, listening to the pain in the voice of my beloved friend, the space begins to feel tight…her dad is down the hall too now. He is in the same place mine was just months before.
“And I ran, I ran so far away
I just ran, I ran all night and day
And I ran, I ran so far away
I just ran, I couldn’t get away”
-I Ran (So Far Away) by A Flock of Seagulls
No more. No more sadness. No more pain. No more tears. No more yelling. No more guilt. No more regrets. No more belittling. No more lies. No more mistrust. No more feeling unwelcome. No more unfair control.
After you died, home wasn’t home anymore. It’s a memory now.
So I left…into the great wide open. My body and subconscious knew what I needed to feel whole again before I even fully realized it.
Back to the basics. Back to one of the first activities we shared together. Back to the mountains. Back to steep slopes and deep snow. Back to taking the long way home. Back to meandering through green trees and deep powder. Back to gliding through the forest all while being kissed by tiny gusts of white powder.
It’s moments like these where I find my pure joy. My mind is quiet, my soul content, my lungs full of cool air.
And I sit. I sit in the silence. I feel small gazing at the alpines. Small, yet safe. I watch as the snow pillows rest on the mighty branches, occasionally plopping down into a pile below. It is so beautiful here…I could stay for hours.
These are the moments that keep me here. They spark excitement for my future adventures chasing the scenery that awaits tomorrow and the day after.
“he lost his way, starin’ down that barrel, thinkin’,
“Not today”
Life’s so precious, Lord knows that life is so precious”
-I Am Who Am (Killin’ Time) by Mac Miller
It’s still so hard. But I let the tree branches hold my pain. The snow picks up my negative thoughts and helps to drift them away. The healing comes from being present while climbing & gliding down these mountains.
“I believe in the person I want to become,
I believe in the freedom of the open road.
And when I’m at war with myself
I ride
I just ride”
-Ride Monologue by Lana Del Rey
Life is short. Too short to not fight for what you want most. I won’t sit back…I use my time to live fully.
“Oh, no. To live…to live would be an awfully big adventure”
-Robin Williams
Don’t be afraid to ask for help, tomorrow needs you.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention-afsp.org
love, a research services entry professional/the girl who sits in the trees